I can't sleep

I really don't like to talk much, but sometimes I get something in my head and it spins around and around. I obsess and it drives me nuts. I used to write everything down for the world to see, but I lost that interest a long time ago.

Well, Erin did this blog, and I guess I kinda just don't really keep up with it. What's the point in me checking on something I know about first hand, you know? I'm there anyways.

Sharing my feelings isn't something I am big on.

I was counting tonight, trying to fall asleep. Too much coffee with dinner can keep you up, but it's better than too much beer and she's dragging me out of my chair.

So, counting ... by my math, we're somewhere around 38 or 39 weeks, Erin would know to the minute. But assuming 39 weeks, that means our baby would probably have been born a little less than a month ago if everything would have gone like the doctors had been hoping. We always knew she'd be early, that Erin would have preeclampsia or something else, but that 35 weeks was our big good number, that once there we were golden. I'm counting, day by day, looking at a calendar in my head. Stewing on something because I obsess. And I realize, just a few minutes ago, that right now we should be planning her 1 month birthday. Instead, we're dealing with everything else, trying to stay focused on all of the positives, trying to plan for the future, hoping to see things fall back into place.

I realize that things will never be the same.